May Memories

I'll continue with the story of breakthrough next month.  For now, I want to talk about the month of May.  It is an eventful month and one full of memories for me.  Dad's birthday and Mother's Day are both in May and for many years it fell on the same day.  As kids, we always teased Dad about this. 

May is also a time that I reflect on a Memorial weekend loss in 1998 that forever changed my life.  I had plenty of life events before this one, but this was especially difficult.  It was Tuesday morning following a holiday weekend, and I knew the night before she had less than 24 hours left.  Tumors filled her lungs and one tumor in particular, was affecting her kidneys and they she would die of kidney failure.  She would go to sleep and they would make her comfortable.  Funny, but she always said that the people who died in their sleep quickly were to be envied.   It was a fitting end for a woman who had battled to a point of exhaustion for over six months.  While it was a relief to have the decision made for me, I didn't know how I could make it without her.  And, I would be an orphan at 34, as dad had died 8 years before.  My prayers were either heal her or take her as it pained me to see her struggle.

To those that knew my mom, she was strong, a rock of sorts.  She never showed illness or weakness to her children.  She was stubborn, hiding her illness and not seeking treatment until it was too late.  She was just like her father--waiting too late to get treatment.  My grandfather had done the same thing, even going to the extreme of having a local for abdominal cancer surgery in 1979. 

She would have a fever and you'd never know it.  The only time I saw her physically ill was following radiation treatment.  As an adult, it still shocked me, as nothing ever affected her.  Now I knew the real reason why I moved back home six months earlier, renting out my home, and uprooting my daughter.  I thought it was to follow a good job opportunity, which it was, but God had a better reason for me to be home.  Had I not been there when she was diagnosed, I would have had additional stress.  See, I was a full-time college student, single parent and working full-time.  God orchestrated the events to have me in a stable job, right next door to Mom so I could devote my time and effort to her during the last six months of her life.  I wouldn't change a thing about that time.  What I wished I would have done was document her life, instead of relying on my memories. 

She was typically of her generation, "the silent ones." She followed the social norms her parents gave her, but silently rebelled, leading the way for my generation to break out of traditional roles.  I remember the glow on her face when I'd step off a private plane, coming home after business travel, the excitement that she expressed when I bought my first home.  In her day, a woman could not get a mortgage without a husband.  The thrill she had with my success in college, as I was the first woman in her maternal line to have a college education.  She always wanted it, but didn't ask, as it was reserved for her brother, not for her.  She was expected to get married and while she could work, it was to be secondary to her home and her family.   Words like sacrificial, supportive, and unconditional were very descriptive of my mother.  I always admired her patience, as I have my father's temperament and learned patience the hard way, it was never a gift.  The mother and grandmother I am is a tribute to those that came before me. . . . Charlotte, Anna, Charlotte, Anna and Marilyn.  Even the name patterns are broken as we move forward with Marilyn leading the way for Linda, Jacqueline and Savannah. 

Thanks, Mom.  I love you and miss you.  Your great granchildren are beautiful.  Colt even has your fingers.  While they will never know you, they will hear of you often.  We will pass on the legacy of your love, sacrifice and caring to the generations to come.